I thought I had it figured out!

I am approaching the one month mark since my stay at the hospital Shangri-La, and since those tough days I've been feeling a lot better about life. The day after I was released, I returned to a program run by the hospital in a building across the street which was called the intensive outpatient therapy program. Basically, I show up by 9 or 9:30, depending on the day, spend 4-5 hours in group therapy/classes, and finish up around 3:15. It's been an amazingly positive experience and I felt major mood improvement after a single day. Since day 2, I have rated my mood between 8-10 out of 10 every day. I finally saw the home stretch after three weeks in the program, and was preparing to discharge from it today.

Pause for real life.

I didn't discharge today.

I still am not sure exactly what happened. I've had an extended stretch of days off from the program (five, to be exact), and my husband has been out of town. After the initial panic when he told me he'd be gone this past weekend, I have not worried about being on my own. I'm feeling great, and was ready to take on life.

Maybe not.

Saturday ended up being more challenging than I thought. Apparently, when you start to transition into "real" life from the program, it is very easy to slip back into your old behavior patterns -- the ones that got you in the program in the first place. The challenge is to be aware of that and work to change your habits.

Sunday was fine. Monday was also known as a train wreck. The suicidal thoughts came back and I felt discouraged. So much to do, so little time. One of my daughters decided to sink into her own "depression" about the new dynamics in the home. I found it difficult to be around her, and ended up walling myself emotionally from her - which didn't help the situation. The highlight of the day was sobbing in my car outside the Dollar Tree. I feel so scared about ending up where I was before. When my emotions dip, it feels easier to end the fight instead of hanging on. It's like I've been hanging on to the high bar for months, and my grip is growing tired. But letting go isn't a good option.

Today, which was going to be my last day, my mood was a 4 out of 10. I'm still struggling with discouragement and suicidal thoughts. However, it was great being back in the program. I realized that the thoughts I have are only thoughts, and I don't have to label them as "my" thoughts. I can recognize it's the depression talking, and let those thoughts go away. I want to live. I want to heal. I want to laugh and smile and play.

I've heard it said that battling cancer is easier than depression. With cancer, you still have your spirits. With depression, the very organ that can bring healing is full of distorted thoughts. The brain makes you feel like there is no hope.

However, there is hope. There is ALWAYS hope. There is another day - which may be a magical day instead of a hard one. There are different medications to try. There are other therapy and coping skills to use. And above all, the Savior of the world has borne my burden and carried my sorrows. He knows me, and the healing power of His infinite Atonement brings ultimate healing. On the other side of this, I imagine I'll feel grateful for my struggles. In the meantime, I'll trust Him and hang on. He suffered deeper pains than I suffer and triumphed. Guess what? With Him on my side, I can triumph, too.