Unexpected Journey

A little over two weeks ago, things felt very bleak for me.

I have been struggling with depression cycles for longer than I can remember. Ups and downs, good times and bad. Lately, the ups felt shorter and the downs felt heavier. I was doing my best to keep going, even when I didn't feel like it.

After being sick for two weeks, having a much looked forward to trip cancelled due to mechanical problems with the plane, suffering from the side effects of antibiotics for weeks, and the weather and our health during a trip to the beach leaving much to be desired, I hit bottom.

For me, bottom meant suicidal thoughts. It meant a day and night under psychiatric supervision. It meant losing a lot of personal freedom in an effort to keep me safe.

Walking into the hospital emergency room voluntarily was the hardest thing I

have ever done. I had to acknowledge that I couldn't handle life by myself anymore. I had to admit that I couldn't manage my depression myself. I had to admit I was weak. However, in the days since then, I've learned that taking those painful steps into the ER weren't an admission of weakness -- instead, they were evidence that I was still strong. Strong enough to recognize my need for help. Strong enough to do something that I hoped I would never have to do. Strong enough to tell those around me that I needed more than a day of sunshine to feel better. This whole experience has been full of dichotomy for me. Heaven was not closed off -- answers were coming to my prayers and I was getting blessings far above my capacity to receive them. Feeling alone, I learned how many friends I truly have. Feeling worthless, I learned my value to those around me. In Proverbs, it says, "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." I can testify that is true. It's hard to open up about the depth of my pain and experiences, but I am discovering that my story may help others. I am not some sort of hero. I am just an ordinary woman, willing to share my story. I am opening up my life to the world, so they may know the abyss known as depression, and that hope is always there in spite of it. Welcome to my journey.