Why do I share?

(another lovely portrait from my hospital stay)

As I was wading through the mountain of paperwork on my desk on a cool September morning, I got to thinking about why I chose to be open about my fight with depression. Honestly, I've always been open about it, but as I left the hospital and went into intensive treatment, I didn't really want to talk about it.

Up to this point, I have managed my mental illness on my own -- plus meds and counseling. I have had very low points before. I have had suicidal ideation before. Somehow, I always turned the corner and fought my way out of the darkness.

This time was a little different. For the first time, I started to try to hurt myself. It was minor and hardly left a mark, but I was trying to hurt myself. I had to seek treatment.

In my mind, that was a huge sign of failure. I have depression, it's hard, but I had never been hospitalized and I wanted to keep it that way. However, being at a new level of low made emergency treatment necessary. And suddenly, I felt the "stigma" of being hospitalized for mental illness. Time to break out "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."

As I began to heal, I felt the need to be open about my story and to share. I did not choose to do this for sympathy or concern. I did it because I know that I am just one of way too many women who fight mental illness. Depression. Anxiety. Borderline Personality Disorder. Bipolar disorder. Addictions - on top of mental illness. Many times, there is serious sadness and trauma behind the brain illness as well.

I know that as I come out into the light with my story, there are countless women who suffer in the shadows. Who fear being judged a lesser person for having a condition that is every bit as real as diabetes or cancer.

Attitudes toward mental illness have come a long way since the 30's and 40's when my paternal grandfather drank himself to death -- self-medicating for his own mental suffering. But there is still so far to go.

If you do not have mental illness, be grateful. Be compassionate for those who do. The hardest part of these brain illnesses is that instead of physical symptoms, the symptoms can come out as anger, sadness, or withdrawing from life. It's hard to separate that from the person and say, "I know he/she is acting this way, but it's just a sign of mental illness and they need constant support and love on the path to healing."

If you think you have a mental illness, have the courage to seek help. There are resources out there - counselors, therapists, medications, lifestyle changes - that can take away the pain. It is often a long and windy road, but you will find relief and healing. If you ever need to talk, let me know. I am happy to listen.

It is my prayer that through sharing the ups and downs of my journey with depression, that someone will find hope, courage, strength or support. It is not a road to walk alone.

And that is why I share.